On my last night on call in the SICU one of our patients died. This wasn't the first time I have had a patient on my service die, and not the first time one has died while I've been on call in the SICU. However, this death was such a long and drawn out process - he still made it onto our list for rounds in the morning as he teetered on the edge of death for hours...moving towards it and away, over and over again, but never far enough away from it not to make it inevitable.
His story was this; he was a 71 year old man, dialysis dependent as he had CRF (chronic renal failure). He also had significant liver disease, due to Hepatitis C, and a long history of alcohol abuse that had resulted in cirrhosis. He came into the ED complaining of severe belly pain x2 days - first noticed at his last dialysis appt. and which had only worsened since then. After exams and tests, he was quickly brought to the OR for an exploratory laparotomy, which revealed an extensive amount of necrotic bowel. Due to a number of variables, the surgery was difficult and lengthy. Eventually, the patient was found to be acidotic - a blood gas done by the anesthesiologist showed that his pH was 6.9 (we are all supposed to be happily churning along at a pH of 7.4 or so. Under 7.2 the proteins that your body needs to function don't work so well. They actually partially denature (think "human western blot", at least that's what I think about!) and obviously don't function in this state, i.e. all things start to go to shit. Fast.). We got news in the SICU that the surgery was being aborted, and that the patient was coming to us vac'd (meaning a wound vac had been put in place over his open abdomen), intubated, and sedated. We would be in charge of resuscitation.
It soon became clear that resuscitation was simply not going to happen. The patient received, innumerable liters of
IV colloid solution, as well as 20 units of pRBC's (
packed red blood cells), approximately 16 units of FFP (
fresh frozen plasma), and also received multiple units of cryo (
cryoprecipitate) and
albumin. The dialysis unit was brought in and started. He was hooked up to an A-line (
arterial line) for better BP monitoring, and a flotrac to monitor his CO (cardiac output) and his SVV (stroke volume variation), which is a good indicator of his volume status, as well as his responsiveness to fluids. A heating blanket was placed on him, and the temperature of the room was raised as his body temp continued to go down. He was given pain medication for comfort, and further medication to keep him sedated. The SICU team, especially the nurses, were all business - working together almost without the need to speak; they understood their roles in this critical situation so completely, as if they had done this hundreds of times, which - truth be told - they have. Everything was fast paced, but orderly, and my only role, really, was to stay out of the way.
We knew this man was going to die, and it became more evident, hour after hour, as blood was pumped into him and you could virtually see the line on the wound vac canister rise with a bright red fluid fluid we knew, almost certainly, was primarily arterial blood. His liver was so dysfunctional (it makes the majority of the clotting factors involved in the blood's clotting cascade) he was not able to clot or stop bleeding. His abdomen - which was distended with ascitic fluid on admit to the ED, had initially been flat when brought up to the SICU. It was packed tightly in the OR and sealed with a large dressing. But, over the course of the night it filled up again, and you could see his belly swelling underneath the pile of blankets he lay beneath. We knew that this was mostly blood, leaking from all the oozing areas that could not be cauterized or tied off during surgery. Additionally, we were pouring bicarb into him, yet he still remained acidotic, barely reaching 7.25 before his pH would drop down to 7.0. We tried to keep him above 7.25, a number we knew would allow for all of the other fluids filled with proteins to actually
work inside his body, rather than just take up space...ironically, something he did actually need - volume resuscitation - however, that was just the tip of the ice berg.
What I found striking about this whole case was the fact that his fate - both his life
and his death - depended solely on the basic function of his body on a cellular and microscopic level, which I know is not a new phenomenon (obviously!), but is something I have never thought about so distinctly when faced with a death of a patient. Now, I always marvel when I am able see organs working - the small bowel peristalsing, or the aorta pumping, the heart pumping! - during surgeries. I never get tired of it. Ever. It is mindboggling to think of the amount of things that have to come together to work in harmony inside our bodies in order for us to exist, and essentially so we don't even have to pay attention to our bodies on a day to day, or even minute to minute basis, i.e. if everything is working a-ok most people probably don't give too much thought to what is going on underneath their skin. But I have to admit, I do not always think so avidly about cellular mechanics, things like the krebs cycle, or glucose metabolism for example. And this guy...man! He was a perfect example - sadly - of the complexities of our existence, on a basic, and almost organic level, beyond all those organs I am entranced by. His cells in his liver and in his kidneys were broken, they didn't work....he couldn't clear ammonia, lactate, or clot his blood. As he lost blood, his BP went down and his cardiac output diminished - his brain began to receive less and less oxygen as the volume of blood it received decreased. There was nothing to do, short of receiving a liver transplant, something this gentleman most likely would not have been a candidate for, and we certainly couldn't go in and fix each cell one by one. So, all night we watched him, and we watched the monitors attached to him. His body was true and honest - it was broken, and it did not lie.
It was strange to drive home after this on call night and realize that - at least in terms of his death, or his
loss of life - it didn't matter what type of person this patient was, that his wife was sitting at his bedside loving him and not wanting him to leave, that his son would not make it back from CA before he died; it didn't matter. What mattered was that - biologically and physiologically - he was beyond fixing, despite the life he led, the things he had accomplished and experienced, the people he loved, or who loved him. I thought about what this meant in terms of treating my body well, taking care of myself - realizing that the consequences of how we live are metered out at even the most minute and cellular level. I also thought about the idea of living life fully, to the best of my ability, and without as many regrets as possible, making each moment count; all of this because I realized that we cannot cheat biology, we cannot deny the "machines" that are chugging away inside each and every one of our cells. With hope, we exist in the state, most days, where things are working harmoniously, and we give very little thought to what is going on in our oh so complicated innards, but sometimes you just never know. I thought about death, and how it is a given, and about how, sometimes thinking about death, and feeling more connected to our bodies, can lend itself to better living, or maybe just living more completely within the moment.